Telling a good story

I’m tired of people in every sphere of life telling me, in voices gushing with excitement, how wonderful the internet is and how it has made life easier in every way. But it has not. Take the subject of party conversations for example. In the halcyon pre-internet era I found it very easy to hold audiences spellbound on topics that I had only a vague knowledge about and others on which I knew nothing.

For example, I clearly remember one dinner I attended in that splendid period before www.something invaded our lives. A few days before the dinner, I had watched a television programme about the meat-eating customs in different countries and was keen to share some insights with my friends.

“In China,” I declared, “they eat frog legs.”

“Wow!” said someone. Others gathered around me to listen, the topic having piqued their interest.

“Yes, they do,” said Ganesh Subramanian with an air of authority. “In Thailand too…”

“They also eat snakes in China.” I said sharply. Having introduced the topic and secured attention, I was not going to let it be hijacked. “In fact, they not only eat snakes, they drink their blood.”

I smiled to myself as Ganesh closed his mouth and others opened theirs. This was obviously something new to all of them.

“They believe the blood is a potent aphrodisiac,” I continued. People drew closer, mouths opened wider and words like ‘Wow!’, ‘Fascinating’ and ‘Disgusting’ were muttered.

Crazy pricing is the right pricing

My accountant friend KS Srinivasan invited me for a quiet dinner at a restaurant to seek my advice. He described his large ancestral property in Kodaikanal and told me he was converting it into a resort. Now that his children had left home, he and his wife wanted to move there permanently from Chennai and run the resort.

“But I have no qualification to be an hotelier,” he said.

“Nonsense, Srini!” I said. “You own the property – that’s the most important qualification. And you’re an accountant, able to count the money as it comes pouring in. That’s all you need. Hire people for the rest. How many rooms in the resort?”

“30, with half of them air-conditioned.”

“How will you charge for the rooms?”

“`5,000 per night for AC and `3,000 for non-AC rooms.”

I shook my head gravely. “You should charge `7,000 for rooms without air-conditioning.”

“That’s crazy!”

“Crazy pricing is the right pricing today,” I said. “Say Person A flies from Mumbai to Hong Kong, via Singapore. Person B takes the same flight, but gets off at Singapore. Who pays more, A or B?”

“A!” he said immediately. “He’s flying a much longer distance.”

“Wrong! B pays more because his flight from Mumbai to Singapore is non-stop, whereas A’s is not! Pricing based on the logical cost of providing the service is so old hat it smells of mould. Pricing today is based on perceived value only. The trick is to name your rooms appropriately. Call the cheaper room ‘normal air-conditioned room’; call the other ‘premium natural weather room’ and describe it as: ‘Kodaikanal’s natural beauty and fragrances brought inside your room’.”

Watching the watch

A month after I had met my friend Balwant Sinha and gained a useless understanding of measuring sleep, I ran into him at the mall.

“Got to show you this!” he said briskly, holding up a shopping bag. “Come, let’s have coffee.”

“Is it another device to measure sleep?” I asked with some foreboding when we had sat down.

“No! But it measures stuff that will help me sleep better. Since Monday I’ve slept only an average of 5 hours 23 minutes each night – that’s 5.3833 hours, if you prefer irrational numbers – against my target of 6 hours. And you recall my ZQ target, right?”

“No. In fact I don’t recall what ZQ is.”

“I told you last time,” said Sinha, sounding annoyed. “It’s a single sleep measure capturing the positives (REM and deep sleep) and the negatives (sleep disruptions). I’m scoring 36% against my target of 65%. And I’m not able to lift my game.”

“Talking about lifting the game,” I said, trying to change the topic, “did you see how Chennai Super Kings played against Knight Riders?”

“Exercising helps in sleeping,” he said, ignoring my intervention. “So I started running after dinner. But it worsened things: my average ZQ dropped 7%! Then further research revealed that one should exercise at least six hours before bedtime. In the immediate period after exercise your metabolism is quicker and you’re more alert, energetic and not sleepy.”

“Dhoni, they say, does his workout in the early afternoon.” I tried a diversion again. “In last night’s…”

“I too have started exercising in the afternoon,” said Sinha. “But I also learnt that overdoing exercise can worsen the quality of your sleep.”

The science of sleep

“Hi Paddy: over here!” my friend Balwant Sinha cried from across the room. “I’ve been dying to talk to you.”

I was touched by his greeting. I didn’t realize how much my company meant to him. There was obviously something heavy on his mind that the poor fellow needed my opinion on, some weighty problem that only I could solve.

“Really sorry,” I said, sitting down next to him. I looked deep into his eyes with empathy. “What’s troubling you?”

“How well did you sleep last night?” he asked.

I shook my head. “Forget that. What are you dying to talk to me about?”

“That’s it: your sleep, man! How well did you sleep last night?”

“Ok, I guess,” I said, “but…”

“Don’t guess!” Sinha sounded cross. “Do you know that extensive studies have highlighted that not getting proper sleep is a key issue today?”

“Yes, I’ve read something like that. But getting to something more important, why…”

“Nothing is more important,” said Sinha. “So think: did you sleep well last night?”

I threw my mind back (not literally, of course) and said, “Yes, I slept well.”

Our bureaucracy is alive and well: part 3

A week after being thwarted at the passport office my friend re-submitted his application with a fresh schedule F stating unequivocally that he had been staying at his present address, as opposed to his permanent address or his previous address, for the past six months. Three days later he received his new passport. But he also received a text message requesting his presence at the neighbourhood police station for post-passport-issue verification; so he went there and handed his passport to the sub-inspector.

“Show me proof of citizenship,” the police officer said.

“It’s in your hand,” my friend replied.

“No, I need your birth certificate or school leaving certificate, preferably CBSE.”

My friend was surprised that the police thought so poorly about the passport’s ability to prove one’s citizenship but since he had carried his thick ‘passport-preparation file’, he did not press the point.

“Take both,” he said.

Instead of showering him with kudos for providing two documents where only one was required, the policeman said, “Also need proof of residence.”

“Again?!” My friend was shocked but also well prepared, ‘proof of residence’ being the biggest obstacle he had had to overcome on the path to passport. “Here’s my employer’s letter showing my address. Using it I transferred my private sector bank account to Mumbai: here’s that passbook stating my address. With this I acquired a public sector bank account: here’s that passbook. Submitting this I got the passport, already with you. That’s four proofs of residence and please note – all carry the same address, exactly.”

Our bureaucracy is alive and well: part 2

A month ago I ended my article feeling sanguine about my friend’s passport prospects. To recap for readers with a weak memory and other readers who, to their great regret of course, missed the article completely, my friend had, after three unsuccessful attempts to submit his application for a fresh passport, finally collected all the required documents, in the right format, texture and sequence. He now had to go back online, submit a fresh application, seek a fresh appointment and pay up a fresh `2,000.

“All the best,” I had said to him on the phone and added a tennis analogy, as I often do in life’s crisis moments, “Serve well and keep your eye on the ball.”

The good man followed my advice. He went back to the passport office, having practised his serve and his forehand, determined to win this tournament. When he saw that his previous nemesis had been replaced with a new clerk at the desk, he took it was a positive sign that he had been handed an easy draw. But, watching her as she pored over his documents, he realized that this new player was a seasoned member of the circuit. Soon she looked up and said, “This passport was issued in a different city. You can’t renew in tatkaal!” But it was a weak ball. Like Sampras at the net, my friend dispatched it gleefully: “Doesn’t matter. Old clerk said it was okay. Also, the passport instruction booklet carries no mention of this rule if I provide annexure F, which I have.” She was flummoxed. Quietly, she proceeded to examine annexure F before finally accepting defeat by handing the documents to him and asking him to get them signed by the officer before coming come back to her for a token.

My friend then swiftly proceeded to the officer as directed, confident but not complacent. He knew that a first round victory is a far cry from winning the Wimbledon trophy and that this officer was a top-ranked player, a veteran of the tour.  So he handed the papers over to this champion, who immediately began examining them closely – making a tick here and a mark there. My friend waited, prancing on his toes, preparing for a strong service to be fired at him.

Our bureaucracy is alive and well

When an old tennis friend of mine had to renew his soon-to-expire passport, I warned him that the process might be bureaucratic and that he should exhibit patience, tenacity and an unwavering will to win if he hoped for success. He said that I was mistaken, that doing it today was as easy as sitting on a cushioned bench. All he had to do was fill an application form online, submit it online, pay `2,000 online, apply for an appointment online, land up on the scheduled date with the required papers – just his old passport and a proof of residence – in his hand.

“Three days later I’ll have a new passport in the same hand,” he said, sounding smug.

I was curious to know what happened; so I called him a day after his appointment. 

“I missed it,” he said morosely. “The proof of residence proved tricky. I don’t have an electricity, telephone or water bill since I moved to Mumbai recently and am staying in my company flat. The passport office accepts a public sector bank passbook showing my address; so I went to one to open an account. But they asked me for proof of residence. I explained to the manager that I was opening an account in his bank because I did not have the proof and for no other reason. Instead of showing sympathy, the man got annoyed; but then relented to say he’d accept a private bank passbook as proof. Unfortunately private banks require proof of residence too! Luckily my private bank accepts a letter from employer if you’re ‘changing address’. So I transferred the account from my previous city to Mumbai submitting my employer’s letter as proof of residence, then opened an account with the public sector bank submitting the private sector bank passbook as proof of residence, so that I can apply for the passport submitting the public sector bank passbook as proof of residence. It’s like progressing through levels of the computer game Warcraft, but not as much fun. I’ve asked for a second appointment in three days, by when the public sector bank will complete the paperwork.”

When he reached the counter for this appointment, the clerk told him that annexures F and I were missing. My shocked friend said that this was because the website made no reference to them. In a bored voice the clerk informed him that he had heard that story many times before and had not found it gripping on any of the occasions.

iParenting

“It’s amazing how we brought up our children without the help of technology,” I said to my wife, looking up from the newspaper. I often introduced deep, philosophical topics like this over our morning cup of coffee.

“You mean disposable diapers?” she asked.

“No, but good point! We should discuss that another time. But I was wondering how we brought up two children without even one iPad?”

“Jordy Kaufman of Swinburne University, Melbourne,” I continued, reading from the newspaper, “claims that using an iPad is intuitive to babies and it fosters creativity and intelligence. According to Ofcom's report, 51% of UK households own a tablet and where children are in those households, they tend to be users too. And in the US, as many children have their own iPads as did adults two years ago! All our kids had was the rattle.”

My wife nodded sagely.

A few days after this intellectual exchange, our friends Mithun and Amrita came home for dinner with their six-year old twin boys and infant girl of eight months. Like a good host, I moved to help them dismantle the baby’s pram. That’s when I noticed it had an iPad mounted two feet above the baby’s face.

“Wow! That’s neat,” I said, reaching out to pluck it out of its mount.

“No! Don’t!” screamed Mithun, but too late. I had already removed the device. Immediately the baby began howling and thrashing about in the pram, making it impossible for me to clip the iPad back.

A newcomer's guide to the Singapore language

When I first came to Singapore I thought communication would be a breeze as English is the national language. But I soon realized that knowing English before entering Singapore is like knowing running before entering the tennis court: it helps you to get around but not actually play.

Affection for Acronyms

The enthusiasm for abbreviating names into acronyms in the country is unparalleled. The World Bank places Singapore no. 3 in the world in population density (with 7,713 people per square kilometre) but if we reapplied the measure to acronyms used in everyday life, Singapore would be world leader in acronyms per square kilometre.

“Where’s PIE?” I asked my Singapore colleague in my early days here. “The road signs pointing to it are very prominent.”

“It stands for Pan Island Expressway,” he explained.

“Ah!” I said. “And CTE?”

“Likewise: Central Expressway.”

“But that’s CE. What does the ‘T’ stand for?”

“For ‘Tral’, in ‘Central’. Singaporeans love three-letter acronyms; we think two-letter ones just don’t make the cut.”

“What’s BKE?” I asked.

“Bukit Timah Expressway,” he said.

“Wrong! That’s BTE, not BKE!”

“No! The ‘K’ stands for ‘Kit’ in ‘Bukit’.”

“But why?!” I cried. “Unlike CTE, we have a perfectly legitimate ‘T’ waiting to be used here.”

“That’s why! If we have CTE and BTE, where’s the creativity? People would wonder if future highways would be DTE, ETE and so on.  And how silly would ATE sound? People would wonder who ate it!”

I thought if we already had a PIE, there should be no problem if someone ATE it but I didn’t say so.

The 'uncle and aunty' syndrome

We all know that age carries clout in India. As the website indianchild.com says, “respect for elders is a major component in Indian culture”. In ancient times, this meant youngsters would touch the feet of elders in greeting, talk to them deferentially and fetch things for them. But the modern guideline for respecting elders in India is crisper: simply address them ‘uncle’ and ‘aunty’.

I discovered this truth early in my marriage, at the tender age of 24. A couple older than us and their three-year old daughter were staying in the ground floor of our apartment building. On our first visit to their house, the girl smiled sweetly at us and said, “Hello uncle; hello aunty’. My wife and I found it endearing to be addressed like this by the little one.

Two days later, we were trudging up the stairs to our flat when the door of the apartment on the second floor opened and a man walked out. He politely moved out of the way to let us pass and smiled.

“Hullo uncle; hullo aunty,” he said. I looked at him closely. He had a thick moustache and a three-day stubble that made him look more adult than me. Yet he was calling me ‘uncle’ and his only excuse was that I was married!

“Hullo,” I said coldly and offered him my hand. “I’m Paddy. And you?”

As he shook hands with me his smile became more friendly. I thought he had recognized his error and would now address me by my name.

“I’m Ajit, uncle,” he said. “I just finished my B. Com and am looking for a job.”

Maybe he needed a broader hint.

A league apart

When I was visiting Mumbai recently, my friend Rakesh Joshi called me.

“I have to tell you about the revolution taking place in Indian sports!” he gushed over the phone.  We agreed to meet that evening for a drink.

When I reached the bar, Joshi was already there, a half-consumed mug of beer in front of him.

As soon as I sat down he said, “Do you know how the sports scene in India is transforming into something spectacular and mind-boggling at the same time?”

He hadn’t even asked me what I would like to drink! This told me how excited he was because otherwise this polite man would never have committed such a breach of etiquette. However, I was not excited and my etiquette was very much intact; so I calmly ordered a mug of beer for myself, waited for it to arrive, took a deep sip, wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and then spoke.

“No, I have no idea. Please tell me.”

“Simple concept,” he said, “Learning from the huge success of the IPL – the Indian Premier League – for cricket, Indians have launched similar leagues to promote other games.”

“But I thought the IPL was a success because cricket is popular,” I said.

“So did I! But we were wrong. It appears that cricket is popular because IPL is a success!”

I frowned and tried to concentrate. “I’m sorry, I don’t get that. What do you mean, cricket is popular because IPL is a success?”

“Not sure,” he said briskly. “It sounded nice, so I said it.But what I do mean to say is that by shortening the format of cricket, IPL has made cricket even more popular. And it’s doing the same to badminton and kabbadi and hockey!”

“Thank you for not apologizing”

A few days ago, I was to meet my wife at a mall at 6.30 p.m. but what with having to deal with a few delicious last-minute emails at work, it was 6.50 by the time I reached there.

“Thank you for coming early,” I said.

“I didn’t come early,” she said coldly. “You came late.”

“Yes!” I said enthusiastically. “Thank you for waiting.”

She didn’t take it well. “At least have the decency to say ‘I’m sorry’,” she said in a clear healthy voice that carried to nearby shoppers.

“Don’t embarrass us in front of all these people,” I hissed, lowering my voice. I clutched her elbow and took her to a secluded area in the mall. “Etiquette has evolved, woman. You need to keep up with the times. It’s no longer chic to say ‘I’m sorry’. The right form nowadays is to thank the other person for the inconvenience.”

“What nonsense are you talking?” she said.

“I don’t blame you for not understanding,” I said. “I myself picked up this new form of manners only in the last week.” I began to relate what I had learnt.

The problem with tennis in America

In my youth – that is, a few years ago – America was known for Big Business, Disneyland and Tennis. Having observed (with mild amusement) British aristocrats in white flannels and full-sleeved shirts moving sedately around the court and sipping tea afterwards, the Americans took up tennis with gusto and soon began to dominate it. In the eighties and nineties the US had so soundly established its supremacy over the game that it was difficult to find a non-American male player in the top 10. Today things are reversed: Sam Querrey, the highest-ranked American man, is at Number 20!

When I visited the United States two weeks ago, I came face-to-face with the problem with tennis in the country. I landed on the weekend of the Rome Masters 1000 tennis finals, a much-anticipated repeat of the phenomenal rivalry between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal, Obviously the first thing I did, even before ironing my shirts, was to check out the room television set.

“Wow, digital!” I said and began looking for Tennis, the only channel showing the match. After clicking through the hotel’s 43 channels three times, I rang the concierge.

“I can’t find the Tennis channel on television.”

“Which channel, Sir?” he asked.

“Tennis.”

“How do you spell it?”

After I helped him out, he checked while I waited.

“Sorry, Sir. We have many options: entertainment, sports, news, travel… we just don’t seem to have this particular channel.” His tone conveyed a hint of reproach at my unreasonable, exotic request. “Perhaps you’d like to watch the action-packed thriller Taken 2 available ‘on demand’?”

Rajnikanth and the Japanese

In Tamil Nadu, we worship our film stars (in many cases literally: by building temples, installing their images as deities and actually conducting pooja). And of course among all the stars we adulate, Rajnikanth has a special place of his own. This macho hero, who can fell twenty rogues with one punch and cause a building to collapse by simply blowing hard on it, is revered in every nook and canny of Tamil Nadu, loved elsewhere in South India and pretty well-known even in the rest of the country. But I always took it for granted that the super star’s popularity, like the big rivers of the country, stopped at the shores of the nation.

“Do you think,” a friend asked me a few years ago, “Rajnikanth has fans outside India?”

I shook my head.

“Well, he does – in Japan!” he said.

“I don’t believe that,” I said. “That’s like telling me the Japanese have suddenly started eating uttapam instead of sushi.”

“They may not have taken to uttapam”, he said, “but they’ve definitely taken to Rajnikanth in a big way. In fact,” he continued when he saw me still looking sceptical, “Rajni’s 1998 film ‘Muthu’ was the first Tamil film to be dubbed into Japanese: it was released under the endearing name of ‘Mutu: Odoru Maharaja’ and it grossed a record $1.6 million in Japan.”

Man's quest for beauty

Man has always been besotted with beauty in his beau. But with the woman moving from kitchen to boardroom, the child becoming more mature – or cheeky – at a younger age and the inanimate object becoming sleeker and technologically advanced, it is only appropriate that man is no longer stuck to this hidebound, restricted notion of beauty. He now desires it for himself.

After writing about this phenomenon (in my usual incisive fashion) last fortnight, I met an old friend Sumit Chatterjee at his club. Chatterjee, careful about his appearance even in college, had become increasingly dapper and well-groomed over the years; therefore I was surprised to see his shaggy look today.

“What happened?” I asked. “Did you lose your razor? Are you waiting for an auspicious day to buy a new one?”

He looked annoyed as he softly ran his fingers around his stubble-bearing cheek and chin.

“I don’t use a razor any longer,” he said coldly. “I use a beard trimmer.”

“That’s not a beard!” I corrected him. “Grow it two more weeks; then call it a beard.”

“I have no intention of calling it a beard,” Chatterjee said. “It’s fashionable stubble. Have you typed ‘Brad Pitt images’ into Google?”

Beauty and... where's the beast?

In my early days of living in Singapore, I remember sitting through the movie ‘Beauty and the Beast’ with difficulty: the film had lacked that drama and pizazz necessary to hold the raptured attention of an action movie buff whose last cinematic experience had been ‘Mission Impossible II’. I had got suckered into this outing in the first place, along with my wife, by a friend whose children had been pestering him for days to watch this Disney entertainment. “Let’s all go,” my friend had said to me enthusiastically on the phone, “I understand it’s fantastic.” Later I learnt that he had understood this, not – as I had assumed – from some eminent film critic of the New York Times, but from the very six-year old twins who had wanted to watch it in the first place. Talk about a biased sample! Anyway where was I? Yes, I was walking out of the theatre with relief that this particularly move experience was behind me.

“How did you like the movie?” my friend Ravi said when we exited.

I smiled gently to convey: “It was awful, but I’m too polite to tell you that.”

He interpreted it differently. “Exactly! I loved it too.”

“Me too,” said his wife Rita. “But the concept of ‘beauty and the beast’ is no longer valid.”

My God! I thought, don’t tell me watching that drivel wasn’t enough: we’re now going to analyse it too?

The internet in your face, literally

The mobile phone came into our life several years ago and immediately began to shape it.  No longer did we have to give our spouse an estimate of when we’d be home before we left the office. If our children wandered off in a crowded railway station while we were not looking, we could locate them in an instant. And we could tell our boss that we were stuck in traffic on the way to work when, in fact, we were still at home, preparing to shave. Having shaped our life, the mobile phone then began taking control of it. It became swifter, sleeker and smarter. I’m not sure if we correspondingly became slower, sloppier and stupider, but we definitely became increasingly dependent on it, using it to take pictures, find our way, communicate on email, buy movie tickets, check in for flights, read a book and – every now and then – make a phone call.

Till a couple of years ago, my wife and I used to lament that our teenage daughter spends far too much time on her mobile phone. But now everyone is behaving like her.

The other day I went out for a boys’ night out. The plan was to meet Ravi Bhaskar for a drink and then have dinner with two other college friends. When I got to the bar, Bhaskar was already there, a drink at his side. He was deeply engaged with his smart-phone.

“Hi Ravi,” I said.

“One sec,” he said, head down and fingers scrolling.

“Hi!” he said after a few seconds, looking up briefly before turning to the screen again and flicking feverishly with fingers. “Just checking stock prices.”

A bright disaster

While I have sometimes been led astray in my shopping – like when a careless flight attendant recommended a watch for my daughter without first ascertaining her age – and therefore made bloomers that have provided merriment to the family, my wife has always had the devil’s own luck in shopping. She manages to buy stuff that, somehow or the other, turns out to be really nice (eliciting responses like “Oooh! What a pretty dress – thank you, Amma!” from our daughter).

But a few days ago, she compensated for years of chic sophistication with one mighty blunder when she had the light in our living room changed. We were expecting guests for dinner and I had dutifully stopped on the way back from office to buy drinks and nuts. It was dark outside when I reached home, but when I entered the door it was like stepping into the afternoon sun.

“Whoa!” I said. I looked up at the ceiling light in the living room and was blinded.

“Hi!” Normally my wife’s voice clearly rings through the house and into the corridor outside. But I barely heard her this time – her voice was so subdued. And thanks to being blinded by the light, I could barely see her too. The vague blur in front of me might have been her or the cupboard.

I took out my sunshades from my bag and wore them. “Ah, there you are. Why the razzle-dazzle?”

“Is it too bright?” She sounded distressed. “I called Achai –” our electrician-plumber-handyman and frequent house visitor “– because the earlier light wasn’t bright enough. He suggested we change to a more transparent lampshade and brighter bulbs.”

The living room was lit up like a football stadium on the night of the Champions League Football finals. I could almost hear the roar of the crowds.

A good reason to laugh

Today many people employ the iPad to start, and sustain, a social conversation. As the host at a party I attended recently pulled out his iPad, the people sitting near him moved over and clustered around him like thirsty deer around a small pond. I walked over too, my curiosity aroused.

“What are you discussing?” I asked.

“Laughter,” said the host, turning to me briefly, “I was showing them something on the subject.”

“Fantastic!” I said, excited that I could casually mention that I write a humour column. It’s usually difficult to bring up this subject because the typical party conversation topic is cricket or politics or that killer combination, the politics within cricket. If someone says, for example, “When Australia put on a spinner in the fifth over, I knew we would win,” I find it a little odd to say, “Same here. And talking of spinners, did you read my article last Saturday about how I missed my flight by acting too clever?”

So when the opportunity was suddenly tossed plumb into the middle of my lap, I was quick to take the cue. “Talking of laughter,” I said smoothly, “did you read my column last week about how the English whinge about everything?”

“No,” said the host, “Where is it posted?”

The challenge of buying gifts for the family

As soon as I returned from my business trip, I opened my bag, took out the three packages that were on top, laid them carefully on the bed and shouted to my wife and daughter to come over to examine the loot. If you’ve ever had the chance to observe the way a lioness, after capturing a wildebeest at the end of a long and arduous chase, calls her family over to enjoy the spoils with her, you will get the idea of how I was feeling. I too had captured these articles after a long and arduous chase. The gift coupons I had received from Singapore Airlines to purchase items from their inflight shop were due to expire in a few days and I had forgotten to buy anything on my last two trips. If I had let the opportunity slip by again on this trip, the coupons would have to be squandered. Nothing is as heart-wrenching as forfeiting a freebie, but I had not let that happen. Like the lioness, it was only natural that I should feel triumphant.

“What is this?” my wife asked in a manner that reduced my triumphant mood by 73%. She was holding the elegant watch I had purchased for myself by the tip of its strap as if it were an unsightly worm.

“It’s a beautiful watch,” I said coldly, “It includes a chronograph and, when you change time-zones…”

“Ok, ok, whatever,” she said. “It’s ghastly but if you’re going to wear it, no one will notice.” I was confused about whether to feel insulted that she found the watch ghastly or flattered that she felt I could still carry it off with my personality.

“It’ll go with the rest of your appearance,” she continued, making my choice clear.

“You don’t know a thing about men’s watches, woman,” I said, “So please focus your attention on what I bought for you.” I handed her a box.